Top 5 Video Games items I wish were real (Over the Hill Edition)

Eric Halliday
1 day ago
5 min read

Link, from Legend of Zelda, stands in the forest wearing armor and holding a glowing blue sword

Unlike what Corinthians might say, when I was a child, while I did talk like a child, spoke like a child, thought like a child, when I became a man I didn't so much throw out childish things, more like I threw out my back.

So when there's times where we think about what sort of things in video games we wish we real (don't act like you don't, you fucking monster) we get a very different tint on the glass we see through.

Fire Flowers would just create dead patches of lawn. Flying power-ups would make it easier to get to work but do we really want that wind sheer? And what good is a warp whistle and fast travel when every single parent's top 5 list of places they could go includes "home".

So I decided I'm going to reinvent the wheel. This is a list of the top 5 items from video games I DESPERATELY wish were real, but from the point of view of someone over the age of 40 which...is not me admitting I am, but I also absolutely am. So here they are, in no particular order.

A screenshot from Vampire Survivors in which an old man is surrounded by several circles all pushing waves of bats away.

5) Vampire Survivor - Garlic

Vampire Survivor knows that there are two things that can keep people the hell away from you. Religion and stink.

And while the Bible shows up occasionally to bat...bats away, the garlic item is with you at all times creating rings around you that not only hurts but pushes away the crowds.

I'm sorry but I can't think of someone, anyone, my age that wouldn't kill to just have something the repels anything and everything from them for a while.

When I was on my honeymoon, we went to go see Weezer play at this bizarre concert in Vegas at a fake beach. At some point I realized that there were so many beer bottles in the sand that people were avoiding them at all cost. I, on a whim, placed them around us in a crude circle and we suddenly had this protective 6 foot radius cylinder of space around us at an outdoor concert. It was magical and, honestly, if I could do something like that in my day to day? Gimme that garlic.

Jack, from Titanfall 2, stands in full armor infront of his mech BT who is kneeling behind him.

4) Titanfall 2 - BT

Now...on paper you might just think this is a call for me asking for a war machine. It isn't, I promise. You look and you see battle mech. But I see giant good boy friendo. BT is absolutely amazing.

Not only is he a supportive companion in the mental friendo sense with a great dry sense of humor, but he is supportive in all the literal ways.

If Jack Cooper, the protagonist, gets wounded, BT immediately scoops Jack into the cockpit gently and administers the appropriate level of pain killers. He can put Jack to sleep. He can provide mobility. Like, I know that people will think I'm trying to be a tough guy for having a mech, but in actuality it's because I'm a giant hurting baby that just wants to be cradled by a massive friendo.

A black and white ship with gold trim flies through space with a massive aircraft carrier looking spaceship behind them.

3) No Man's Sky - ANY Ship

Okay, so I get that this article is starting to become VERY personal to the point where I think I'm just going to give a link to whoever my next psychologist is (hi, future shrink!) so that they can diagnose me quicker, but hear me out.

There has never been a think in video games that provides more comfort and relaxation to me than getting into my No Man's Sky ship, noping the fuck out of any situation, blasting off into space, and then just coming to a dead stop and hovering for a bit while I think.

I actually fell asleep once to just the sound of my ship's engine noise. I laid down on the couch and took a nap imaging I was just alone, adrift in space.

The ships on No Man's Sky are your home. There are no passenger seats. It's just you and the ability to take a minute and isolate yourself from any situation until you're ready to return which is something most adults absolutely struggle with. But you give me five minutes in the cold void and sure, I'll be ready to come back and talk about my finances.

In Game Boy Green colors, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sits on the ground eating a piece of pizza from that box while the words "PIZZA TIME" hang in the air over the scene.

2) Any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle game - Pizza

"But Eric," you say, "You're so handsome but also you can get pizza from the store!" First off, thank you. But secondly, that's not the pizza I want.

Sure, in the cartoon they ate some disgusting pizzas. I'd barely trust their pizza before eating at Cici's. But in the games they're always pepperoni which will never not be great. But that's ALSO not the reason.

See, I love me some pizza, ask my doctor. They'll roll their eyes and agree. But when I eat pizza that's it for the rest of my day. My digestive system goes, "are you fucking kidding me" and closes the kitchen on my body for the rest of the day.

Not this one. The TMNT pizza item HEALS YOU. Imagine if you ate a piece of pizza that actually made you feel better. Not just mentally, but physically. You could pick up your kid or do some yard work and just follow it up with a tall glass of pizza and feel healed and refreshed.

Honestly, it would be the medical breakthrough that likes of which could heal the entire world.

A scene from a living room in the game House Flipper. A "sell objects tool" is aimed at a white couch displaying the text "SELL +$111.97".

1) House Flipper - Sell Objects Tool

I live in a place where we do not throw things away. It's not necessarily that we are hoarders, we just feel guilty throwing stuff out because the local area recycling program is so inefficient it borders on playing pretend.

But I wish, WISH, that I could just get rid of stuff.

Now imagine. You have something in your home you don't want anymore. Some sort of old power cable or a kitchen implement you'll never use. Some plastic tchotchke you thought was fun or a decoration you've gotten tired of. You aim something that looks like an old Star Trek phaser at it and it estimates the price you'd get for it if you sold it. Even if it's like 0.73 cents. You pulled the trigger and that item disappears immediately and your bank account suddenly has 0.73 more in it, bringing it to 20.73.

You then point it at your couch. "111.97". Boom, that nasty boy is gone and you have 111.97 more in your account.

If you could just point a thing at something in your home and it was disappear forever and it's worth would be in your bank account that same minute, tell me you wouldn't be going around your house until people mistook you for a minimalist.

And yes, Ohio, I get it, after three items I'd need to get a vendor's license because y'all are stupid when it comes to being able to sell stuff, but hell, if I had the ease of just making all my clutter disappear and I'd gain money every time I pulled the trigger you'd have to beg me to not put a full automatic adjustment to that thing.