Firefighting Simulator: Ignite is, arguably, the REALLY hot new simulator

Firefighter, shown here, spots a younger, sexier fire across the street.

I'm a big fan of simulator games. I'll fuck with anything with simulator in the name. I'm cut grass, power washed, worked retail selling TCG, I love them. As an autistic gamer this stuff checks my boxes. So when Firefighting Simulator Ignite strolled in, lights flashing, I was on board.

Right out the gate, this game got on my good side. I have to check everything for details and while wondering about the fire station I noticed vending machines. And I love looking at vending machines in video games because it allows someone working on the game to come up with batshit made up snacks. But Firefighting Simulator had one of my all time favorites in there.

And while I don't know what the hell a Porridge Cookie is, I recognize Tim Tams from a mile away and knowing that there was a vending machine filled with the greatest cookie on the planet tickled me.

As for the main game, eventually, after some tutorial stuff, you get to head out to a fire. I hopped in the fire truck and hauled it out of there. And luckily for both me AND the people of the city, you get the option to skip the driving bits. Which is good because I'm fairly certain I killed about 50 people on my way to the fire. I did not like the drivey bits.

They were okay, but anyone that watched me stream a truck driving simulator before will know I have to constantly remind myself when I'm playing a driving game with speed limits and traffic lights.

Then I got to the fire. I love the fire fighting bits of this game so much. And I know this isn't what the review's main point is but to my autistic folk out there, you're going to know what I'm getting at. The game doesn't have you run in hoses blazing (which I realize sounds bad). You check the perimeter first. You spot people inside. You determine if there's electrical fires, and if so where is the power box you can cut off. If there's a gas leak, where is the gas shut off valve. Things like that. You checklist the shit out of it like Dipper from Gravity Falls and I love it.

Once you're ready to start working though, you run into two challenges. One good, one bad. The good is the fire. Obviously that's going to be the big thing in the game is you putting out fires. It does get a little nuts because, admittedly, you can't see in a lot of parts in the game. With the fire, I promise you there is AMPLE lighting. But...well...

This is fine.

But much like the dirt in Powerwash Simulator, there's something so calming about the fire getting smaller and smaller until it goes away. That doesn't mean take your time though because the game is designed so that the buildings will lose structural integrity as the fire spreads which can lead to floors collapsing underneath you.

The primary challenge though, as much as I do enjoy this game, is the batshit stupid AI. You have three partners that come with you and for the most part the team mates are a god send. Especially if you turn on the option to have them figure out what they need to do on their own, you'll get to the fire and they'll automatically hook up a hose from the extinguisher to the truck and get the equipment ready while you check out the building. It's rad. But when it comes to saving people and the people who need to be saved, they go from inhaling smoke to inhaling glue.

I noticed a massive fire was getting out of hand and every time I'd radio for my crew to assist they'd respond "I can't do that". All three of them. Eventually I walked away from a burning fire to find them and one of them, who was leading a person out, decided to just hang out at the top of the ladder with their new buddy and, because of the way the AI is coded in a queue, my other teammates didn't want to do the stuff they needed to do on the ladder until the first person there did their thing so my entire team was just having a ladder party while the world burnt around them.

There was another time where I found a person on the third floor and sent one of my guys to get them out of their while I put out the blaze. They never showed up and I found it was because a hole in the floor opened near the top of the stairs and they just kept running up the stairs and falling down the hole...over and over again. The hose that they were carrying (which extends automatically like Wonder Woman's lasso) wrapped around it so many times it looked like a sash.

That's when I remembered. I'm Captain Chunk Dunkless, for god's sake.

You get to name your character. Don't worry.

I told my dude to go deal with a different problem. Got the victim out myself, who at this point was a delicious golden brown, and then got that fire put out.

All in all though, this game kind of rocks. It gives you constant feelings of progression. The fire effects are fairly well done. The locations are surprisingly varied, the tools you need all require different mental skill sets. But you just need to get past the AI which made me feel like I had brought my 10 and 11 year old kids with me.

If you want to see my god, here's a little bit of me putting out a store fire.