The Minecraft Movie allowed me to almost perfectly guess writer Steve Bowman's age

I recently had to take my two kids (9 and 11) to the Minecraft movie and...boy was that an experience.

While repeating "this is for the kids, this is not for you" like a fucked up mantra I stood through the massive crowd of preteens all making the same stupid jokes on their Instas in their Spirit Halloween ass Minecraft costumes all talking about pranks that would be funny to do in the theater that ain't none of them got the balls for.

Eventually I got my kids a popcorn after listening through the crowd's one millionth utterance of "skibbidi" and made my way in.

I have sat through some shit in my time. I saw Branded for fuck's sake. But this. Oh my god.

There is a moment in this movie in which Jack Black (because of course Jack Black) says, "We need to mine! We need to craft! We need to minecraft!" and I wanted to punch Christ.

When I was done letting screenwriter Chris Bowman take a square shaped shit on my wallet and time, I spent the ride home wondering one thing, "who the fuck is Chris Bowman?" I had never heard of him before and the internet tells me PRECIOUS little including his age. But I think I can get enough clues from this movie.

First off, Jason Mamoa, working with what he was given, plays a Macho Man inspired gentleman who was a former video game champion of 1989. From there he petered out into a man desperate for his glory days.

The kid who's SORT of the main character in this scenery chewing free-for-all goes to a school where the teachers each introduce themselves by giving a long speech about divorces and school budgets. And the bullies are not modern day school bullies. Instead of kids busting out phones and creating viral bullying campaigns, they're old school letterman jacket wearing meatheads that reminded me of the bully from Little Monsters.

And don't get me started on the fact that they sabotaged the kid's inexplicable jetpack. I don't care how big of a bully you are, if you're getting out of school so you can all watch a kid launch a skeleton with a jetpack, you aren't doing anything BUT watching a kid launch a skeleton with a jetpack.

And for a movie that was heavily catered to modern preteens, the memes were so dated that even I got nostalgic hearing them. They fucking referenced Big Chungus several times and I thought that one was long dead.

So here we have a movie that hints heavily on a youth someone is desperate to get back to that can only be achieved through the use of creativity in their daily lives. We have a former video game champ of 1989 who runs a retro gaming store filled with Nintendo R.O.B.s, Cyber Scopes, and old arcade machines. We have a TON of references and memes that died forever ago. Outdated bully concepts. Jack Black singing ALL THE TIME. Macho Man references.

I'm calling it right now, Christopher Bowman is in his late 40s. He has to be. There ain't no way he's younger than that.